you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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