did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
