Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
