Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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