why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
