First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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