im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
