:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
