Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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