And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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