I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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