at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
