I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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