Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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