You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
