So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
