my phone needs a breathalizer
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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