and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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