Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
