mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
