we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
