Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
