And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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