I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
