the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
