you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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