you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
