I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
