if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Holy sore nipples Batman
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
