1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
