How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
