One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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