And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
