Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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