i already hear my dad disowning me
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
