I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
