Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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