Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
