Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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