i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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