Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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