my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
