I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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