I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
