Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(619): View more from California

3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt

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(320): View more from Minnesota

In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party

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(219): View more from Indiana

The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.

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(727): View more from Florida

I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time

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(803): View more from South Carolina

were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?

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