i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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