i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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