I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
