I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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