worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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