Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
