wanna go halves on a baby?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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