she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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