coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
