The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
