my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
