I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
