PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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