my shit smells like andre
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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