dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
